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Ode to our animal friends

By on September 10, 2013 in India with No Comments

There are many types of cows here. They are light brown  but there is considerable variation in the attitude and intelligence of each. Let me start with Sensible Cow. Sensible Cow wanders to the grassy divider strip (when one exists) and settles down for a good old bunch of grass- a-la-dust. Then there are the Nonchalant Cows who blithely wander all over the road impervious to the traffic around them. The third type of cow is Lost a Few Brain Cells Getting High in College Cow. These decide to sleep in the middle of the road. Related to these are Borg Collective Cows, who are also fond of sleeping but organize themselves in groups strategically set so it is impossible to drive around them and the only way to get through is by going up on two wheels. There are poor Wasted Cows, who are living skeletons with more bones than meat. We have also had the occasional sighting of Angry Cows. Rare, but spectacular to observe, these cows start fights with dogs and goats, no doubt a result of poor parenting.

It must be said though, that there aren’t really any cows in India. They’re all male, either steers or bulls. We’ve yet to see a female. They must keep them barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen somewhere.

Goats have less variety. There is the Cute Baby Black Goat that you want to take home (for a pet, not for dinner). There are the Ménage de Trois goats who sleep in packs of three (on the road of course) and the Suicide Goat, who stands by the side of the road and at the last minute rushes in front of the rickshaw. Lastly there are the I’d Rather Eat a Dirty Hat Than Perfectly Good Grass Goats, and of a similar variety, the I’d Rather Eat a Smelly Shoe Than Perfectly Good Grass Goat.

As a side note, Rick hates goats with a passion. This must be an unresolved childhood issue, as who could hate a cute little goat?

There is only one kind of dog. This is the Are You F@@king Stupid Why Don’t You Look Both Ways Dog. Cows and goats are usually either stationary or moving very slowly. With the exception of Angry Cow and Suicide Goat they rarely make any sudden movements. Dogs on the other hand don’t look where they are going and run helter-skelter every which way.

However, given that we’ve seen no dead cows, no dead goats, and only one dead dog, compared with one dead human and one half dead human, one might wonder who the least intelligent of the animal kingdom is.

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